You want some tea? No, I said I have OCD!

Did you know that every May, the world unites to celebrate Mental Health Awareness Month? It is an excellent opportunity to highlight the growth and progress we have made in accepting the realities of mental health while also raising awareness of the barriers that still stand in our way.

Today's blog is a personal one for me (no, I'm not crying, it's just been raining ... on my face). Anyone who has spent more than five minutes with me knows I am a master of trades (Thanks, dad). Most people don't know that I am also a master of fake it till you make it. When others look at me from the outside, I hear them constantly remark that I have it all together. I have a successful marriage, a family that will do anything for me, a wonderful job, an outstanding education, and two of the cutest pugs you will ever meet.

Despite having all of these fantastic things in my life, I am still miserable; I have been suffering silently day in and day out, starting around 19. The onset of Obsessive-Compulsive disorder began (GASP!!!!! Shocker, I know). The symptoms were gradual but noticeable.

When you think of OCD, you might think of the stereotypical, washes-their-hands, checks-the-locks, super neat and clean kind of OCD. Which, by the way, is not a GOOD thing to have; people with compulsions (the C in OCD) are performing repetitive behaviors to lessen the anxiety caused by the obsessive thoughts. OCD is not a fun personality quirk, it's not just cleaning a lot, and it's not an adjective. I, personally, have the O (obsessive) part of OCD where an intrusive thought (aka an obsession) gets stuck in my brain.

First, let's talk about Pure O OCD and what it means…

WHAT IS AN INTRUSIVE THOUGHT?

Basically, an intrusive thought is a thought or idea that pops into your brain – and just won't leave. Not only are these unwelcome, repetitive thoughts stuck in your head, but they're disturbing, distressing, and cause an extreme amount of anxiety. People with OCD fight intrusive thoughts because the content of those thoughts seems alien, unacceptable, and at odds with who they are. The most common (and most disturbing) intrusive thoughts among those with OCD are safety, religion, death, or sexual orientation. And then, the more you want to STOP the thought, the more stuck/loud/powerful it becomes. Basically, the effort you use to fight the thought that makes it stick and gives it the power to return (over and over and over).

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT INTRUSIVE, SCARY, or DISTURBING THOUGHTS is this… having a thought doesn't mean you subconsciously want it to come true.

Another essential thing to know about intrusive thoughts is that they absolutely prey on your most cherished values. This is what makes them so disgusting and disturbing – they're totally at odds with who you are as a person. Everyone thinks strange things sometimes – most people have a weird thought, and they're able to see that it's not a reflection of who they are, that the thought doesn't have a hidden message, red flag, signal, or warning.

People with OCD cannot convince themselves that a weird thought is just a weird thought, nothing more, nothing less. Their intrusive thoughts are perceived to reflect who they are or to have a hidden message, red flag, signal, or warning.

MY HISTORY WITH PURE O OCD

My mental health struggles started when I hit puberty – hindsight, my brain's chemical imbalances have always coincided with hormonal changes. So puberty = the start of a terrifying journey for a teenage boy. I was very fortunate to grow up in a happy, healthy household with 2 supportive parents. But a stress-free childhood and an upper-middle-class upbringing doesn't mean someone is immune to mental health issues and chemical imbalances of the brain. I remember being 12 or 13 when my first intrusive thoughts started. And I was terrified.

As a 12-year-old without access to the internet (It was the days of AOL dial-up on a single-family computer), I didn't have a resource to access to figure out what in the world was going on with me. Honestly, the only exposure I had to mental illness was hearing the gibberish and reading the warnings for Prozac advertisements. I told my mom that I was having such a hard time; I was crying all the time, I couldn't sleep, I didn't ever want to be alone. Was I suicidal? No. But was I terrified that I might be? That I would be locked up in a mental institution if I was? YES. Thousand times over.

When I turned 19 is when the onset of OCD really became apparent. I remember Rebecca and I were dating, and one night, she sat me down, and she told me that she noticed that something was off about me. I was starting to show some odd behavior and was partying a little too much and too hard. This moment was one of the first times I knew I was going to marry her. She recognized that I needed help and was 100% willing to get me the resources that I so desperately needed. I started seeing a counselor from my university. It brings tears to my eyes to think about how much my family and Rebecca helped me and literally saved my life.

My History with Antidepressants

After many (MANY!) hours of counseling and my therapist teaching, reassuring, and just listening to me, we decided that I needed more help in a psychiatrist's form (a doctor who can prescribe medication). At the time, I was beyond terrified that going on medication would make me feel like a zombie, not like myself, like a robot with no ability to feel. But, thankfully, that has never been true for me; tricyclic antidepressants (TCA) have been a very effective way to manage my OCD.

Currently…

So, today, am I doing ok? Yes. I don't have as many intrusive thoughts at this point in my life. Do they occasionally pop into my head and decide to stay? Yep. Hopefully, I'll see less as time goes on, but at least now, as an adult, I can recognize if and when I need help.

Am I scared that my kids might have the same mental health issues?

Of course. But I plan to be very open with them about my struggles – Dad's brain doesn't make enough of a certain chemical that causes him to feel nervous, unable to sleep, etc., in the hopes that if they ever DO have an issue, they know that there are solutions. I'm living proof that a mental illness doesn't have to define your life.

Will I have to be on medication for the rest of my life?

Honestly, I think I will. When you have OCD, you can't just stop taking medication if/when you feel better. For me, a daily dose of a tricyclic antidepressant keeps the serotonin in my brain at a steady level. Although tricyclic antidepressants can be used to treat anxiety, they aren't 'anti-anxiety medications that can be used for acute moments of anxiety. Why wouldn't we use the power of modern medicine to make our brains function properly? It doesn't make you weak or evil. Acknowledging that you need help and seeking that help makes you a GOOD person.

When the benefits outweigh the risks, as determined by you or your doctor, go ahead and do what you need to do to be healthy for you and your family. If you've read this and think, 'I don't get it, just stop thinking about stuff that causes you anxiety…' I genuinely hope you never have to understand because that means you would have to deal with the struggle that is OCD.

Struggling with their own mental health issues?

I'm here to tell you that there are solutions that can help you, and it is worth the fight. In an emergency situation, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text "HOME" to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. To those of you who have taken the time to read this and now have a better understanding, thank you from the bottom of my heart.