Who Needs New Year Resolutions When for the Low Low Price of $19.95+S&H, You Can Own Restitution

When I started to write this post, I offered tons of New Year's resolutions and tips to stick to them and create lasting change. After all, that's what we bloggers do around the end of the year: share our best practices for improving our lives as December rolls into January, compile well-researched suggestions to change, and do it consistently, knowing damn well most people give up on resolutions within weeks of setting them.

When I started reading it back to myself, something didn't sound right, something was missing, and no matter how many times I read it, I could not figure it out. Then just like life, It hit me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere; it didn't feel authentic. New Year's Day doesn't differ from any other day. A random point in the time measurement system we've created should not require us to make a laundry list of things we need to change or improve. As much as you don't want to hear it, New Year's Eve is just another day; shockingly, the next day is one too. I don't mean to minimize the excitement of the New Year or the days we've chosen to celebrate for religious or honorary reasons. I love a big event as much as the next person; I sometimes bust out the Pinot for parallel parking well or correctly using a big word in a sentence.

I guess I'm trying to say that New Year's resolutions often fail for a reason, and it's only slightly related to intention or discipline. Resolutions fail because they don't emerge from true breakthroughs. They're calendar-driven obligations. Nine times out of 10, our resolutions often address the symptoms, not the cause of our unhappiness and need for change.

Some resolutions are very important for our physical and emotional health and overall well-being. For example, quitting smoking, losing weight, and managing stress are healthy and essential resolutions. But if we don't address what underlies our needs to light up that cigarette, order double bacon cheeseburgers, and worry ourselves into frenzies, will it really help to vow on one arbitrary day to give up everything that helps us pretend we're fine? It's almost like we set ourselves up for failure to avoid addressing the messy stuff.

Why We're Really Unhappy

I can't say this is true for everyone, but my experience has shown me that my unhappiness—and my need for coping mechanisms—come from several different places:

• I'm dwelling on the past or obsessing about the future.

• I'm comparing myself to everyone else—their accomplishments, the respect and the attention they garner, and their "perfect" lives.

• I'm dissatisfied with how I spend my time and the impact I'm making on the world.

• I've lost hope in my potential.

• I'm expecting and finding the worst in people.

• I'm turning myself into a victim or a martyr, blaming everyone else.

• I'm spiraling into negative thinking, seeing everything as a sign of doom and hopelessness.

There may be a time when none of the above happens, especially the last one; it is the worst cause of unhappiness we can face. All the other things I mentioned are human, whether we experience them persistently or occasionally. We'll do these things from time to time, and they'll hurt. Then, in the aftermath, we'll be compelled to do all those different things we promise to give up every year. We'll want to eat, drink, or smoke away our feelings. Some of us will try to work away our nagging sense of inadequacy, or we'll judge whether or not we're enjoying life enough and detract from that enjoyment in the very act of judging. So, the best resolution has nothing to do with giving up all those not-so-healthy things and everything to do with adopting a new mindset that will make it less tempting to turn to them.

An Alternative to Resolutions

Maybe instead of trying to trim away all the symptoms of our dissatisfaction, we can accept that what we want is happiness—and that true happiness comes and goes. We can never trap it like a butterfly in a jar. No amount of medication or meditation can change the fact that we will sometimes get caught up in thoughts and emotions.

What we can do is work to improve the ratio of happy-to-unhappy moments. We can learn to identify when we're spiraling and pull ourselves back with the things we enjoy and want to do in this world. Instead of scolding ourselves for all the things we're doing wrong and making long to-do lists to stop doing them, we can focus on doing the things that feel right to us.

This may sound familiar if you've read my article about positive psychology. Unfortunately, despite writing a blog about positive psychology and doing all the research that goes along with writing about it, I'm no expert, but it doesn't take an expert to know it feels a lot better to choose to nurture positive moments than it does to berate myself for things I've done that might seem negative—all while plotting to give them all up when the clock strikes.

4 Simple Steps to Increase Your Happiness Ratio

The happiness ratio is something I've been working on for years, and in all honesty, I have failed at it for years. As I have worked to increase my satisfaction, meaning, and happiness levels, I have given up several unhealthy habits, including overeating and chronically dwelling and complaining, which both require deliberate intention, but it was only possible once I addressed the underlying feelings. Of course, I still have some unhealthy habits, as do we all, but releasing them starts with understanding why I turned to them in the first place.

Recognize the places where you feel helpless…

…the housing situation, the job, the relationship, that sense of meaningless. Then plan to do something small to change that starting right now. Acknowledge that you have the power to do at least one small thing to empower yourself.

Wait to commit to significant outcomes. Just find the confidence and courage to take one small step knowing that you'll learn as you go. The bigger picture will become more evident as you add up little successes. This isn't the major transformation over a night that well all crave. It's a tiny seed of change that can grow.

Identify the different events that lead to negative feelings.

Like gossiping with your coworker, overextending yourself at work, not getting enough sleep, and drinking too much. Whatever it is that generally leaves you with unhappy feelings, write it down. Work to reduce these, making a conscious effort to do them on one fewer day per week, then two, and then three. The key isn't to completely cut out these things at one time, but rather to minimize their occurrence until one day it hits you that you haven't thought about it for a few days, and you survived.

Identify the things that create positive feelings.

Like going to the park, painting, looking at photo albums, or creating music, whatever creates feel-good chemicals in your head, write them down and make a promise to yourself to integrate them into your day. As you feel your way through your joy, add to this. Learn the formula for your bliss. I have to tell myself there is no choice; these moments of joy have to be a priority, and I must say to myself that I deserve to receive them. When you're fully immersed in a happy moment of your choosing, you're much less likely to get lost dwelling, obsessing, comparing, judging, and wishing you were better.

Stay mindful of the ratio

If you've had an entire week that's been overwhelming, dark, or negative, instead of getting down on yourself for falling that low, remind yourself that only your self-kindness can pull you out. Tell yourself that you deserve to restore balance—to maintain a healthy ratio. Then give yourself what you need. Take a personal day at work and take a day trip. Go to the park to relax and reflect. Remind yourself only you can let go of what's been and return to what can be. It's not about perfection or a complete release from all the causes of unhappiness. It's about accepting that being human involves a little unhappiness—but how often it consumes us is up to us.

This is not a lengthy list of unhealthy behaviors you can give up and how or a long list of suggestions for adventure and excitement in the new year. But all those things mean nothing if you're not in the right head space to release the bad and enjoy the good. So resolve what you will this year, but know that happiness is the ultimate goal. It starts with daily choices, not lofty resolutions. It took complete devastation and heartbreak for me to understand that these small but mighty changes can start any day you decide.