The Tragedy Train Turns To Teamwork- Love, Tragedy, And Shit We Can’t Control!

Have you ever been in a season where you feel like the “light at the end of the tunnel” will never come, and you and your spouse might be in the dark forever?

There are so many seasons of “waiting” that a couple can go through. A few examples would be job changes, infertility, affair recovery, postpartum depression, buying a house, adoption, a diagnosis… the list goes on and on.

My wife and I are rounding the corner out of a long, long season of waiting. In the beginning, we were hopeful for our next steps. But, the longer change took to come, the longer that next step remained a mystery. As a result, we have grown weary and heavy-laden with sorrow, anticipation, worry, and very little hope—feeling a little bloody and broken as we fight our way through.

We have both felt like failures that we can’t control our future or keep the other from feeling pain and discomfort… and it has leaked into our relationship.

The days turned into weeks, which slowly turned into months, and we came so close to giving up confidence that we would ever find ourselves in a better place or “on the other side.”

We found ourselves getting sharper with one another, quick to blame each other for things we could normally quickly dismiss or let go of; sex and conversation became a low priority, which caused us to feel even more distant and disconnected. Sooner than we realized, we were both so very lonely; the days felt like years, and by the end of each one, we would sit on our couch and stare blankly at one another, neither with any emotional or physical energy to give. Both completely crushed.

But then, one day, recently, the light at the end of the tunnel finally came, and we know that we are going to be okay. The waiting is almost over, and we feel like we can breathe again. If you and your spouse are in a season of waiting for something big, like, for a new job, for a baby, for a home to call your own, a diagnosis… you’re not alone!

Here are 4 simple ways for you to cling to one another and stay in love while you wait. You can do it! I know you can.

1. Connect Every Single Day

You have to make time for a connection. You need your battle partner! During this painful time, it’s been when we have chosen to sit down to be close to one another in any capacity (holding each other on the couch or snuggling up with popcorn and a movie) that we felt less alone. This led us to feel hopeful again. And hope is everything. So, even on the days you don’t feel like it, choose to connect somehow, even if it’s for 5 minutes.

2. Learn to Communicate Your Needs

You have to get bold and confident enough in your grief and sorrow to be able to tell your spouse, “Hey, today is a really hard day for me, I need ________” (help, space, a hug, for you to take care of dinner, etc.). Your spouse is not a mind reader, especially during this season where they have their own emotional stuff happening too. When emotions run high in a home, emotional disconnection is easy, so speak up!

3. Give Each Other Space and Grace

Do your best to adjust to one another day by day and allow space for grieving, feeling sad, and being scared or uncertain. Those are all okay emotions to have, as long as they don’t take over forever. What I’m saying is, be careful not to consistently try to “fix” each other’s bad moods. Come alongside one another and offer support instead. It’s okay to be sad sometimes, so lend a shoulder until your spouse can work through it to being positive again. After all, isn’t that what you want your spouse to do when you’re struggling, too? Isn’t that what you vowed to do on your wedding day? “I promise to love and support you in our good times and in bad times.”

4. Don’t Give Up

I know that it’s painful, but there is hope, and change is coming. That big thing you’re waiting for: I don’t know how far away it is or if it will ever come, but what I do know is that you and your spouse are in this together.

Don’t give up on yourself, and don’t give up on each other. Instead, make the most of little moments together, and day by day, step by step, you’ll get through.