Nobody can hurt me without my permission

Last night shortly after my wife Rebecca got home from work and running a few errands, she told me that something was weighing on her heart and she needed to talk to me. She indicated that It hurts her feelings when I call her dramatic. She was referring to a conversation that took place a few days prior.

At first, I reverted to old habits, and I shrugged her off. I tried to convince myself that I had done nothing wrong, and she must have had a bad day at work and was taking it out on me. As I stood there in awkward silence, it sank in what she had just told me, instantly I was overcome with several different thoughts, feeling, and emotions.

First, I quickly realized that she was trying to open up to me and genuinely communicate. Communication is a skill that both of us struggle with. Rebecca struggles with finding the words to convey what's in her mind sometimes, and for anyone that knows Rebecca, you know that she will do anything to make sure you are taken care of, even if that means not putting her needs first. I am incredibly proud of her for coming to me with her concern, even though it was clear that she was hesitant at first.

Second, I was hit with a wave of frustration, not with Rebecca but instead with myself. There are two traits that I struggle with. The first is my tone of voice, and the second is saying hateful things I don't mean out of frustration. Due to my anxiety and other mental health problems, I tend to react before I think. I am ashamed to admit that I overreact and say hurtful things. It's bad enough that I say these hateful things, but the worst part is I become so ashamed of what I said and did that I am too embarrassed and prideful to apologize.

The look on Rebecca's face indicated that this was extremely serious and it needed to be addressed. My thought process changed, and instead of blowing her off, I lowered my walls and allowed her in. We did something that we haven't done in a very long time. We laid in bed with no distractions; then the most remarkable thing happened, we talked, actually talked. There was no blame game, and we both took time to listen and hear what the other was saying. I fell even more in love with Rebecca at this moment.

The topic I want to talk about today is how to apologize in the right way.

Think about the last disagreement you and your spouse had. Are you proud of the way you handled it?

Conflict is an unavoidable part of marriage, and it is essential to approach each disagreement as a team with an arsenal of tools and resources so that you both win. Come at disagreements the same way you would a battle – well prepared and with a plan.

Now ask yourself, do you…

… and your spouse have the same fights over and over again?

… feel like there is no resolution to your issues?

… feel like your spouse apologizes but rarely means it?

… ever think "What if what I did wasn't wrong? Should I still apologize?"

… have a spouse who blames you for all of your marriage issues?

… feel like your spouse doesn't fully understand your hurt?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, the information I'm about to share will be life-changing not only for you but also for your marriage.

Here's what I know. In our marriage's first six years, we sucked at owning our mistakes (full disclosure, we still do sometimes). We were both so prideful to admit that we were imperfect and messy, so we spent a lot of time blaming everyone else, especially each other, and took no responsibility for the state of our marriage. We were that couple that fought about the same things over and over again, and it was frustrating. Once we learned the proper way to apologize, the entire dynamic of our relationship changed. There has been more understanding, more empathy, more peace and less arguing.

4 Steps to a Proper Apology

Step 1: I'm sorry for (action + feeling).

It's essential to validate your spouse on the feeling they experienced when you did what you did. We often apologize for the action (I'm sorry for what I said, I'm sorry for how I made you feel, I'm sorry for working so much). The apology has to go to a heart level where you validate their feeling. And of course, there is a period at the end of a proper apology because the minute you say, "I'm sorry… but…" you just wiped away the entire apology.

Ex: Me: "I'm sorry for saying that you were just dramatic; I know when I say that it makes you feel disrespected and dismissed."

Step 2: I was wrong!

Three simple words but so hard to say if you struggle with pride like I do. This is taking full ownership of the FEELING you evoked in your spouse. You're owning your mistake. You're taking responsibility for hurting your spouse.

Ex: Me: "I was wrong for making you feel disrespected and dismissed."

Step 3: What can I do to make this better?

If you're that couple who repeatedly argues about the same thing and there is no behavior change, this will become your favorite part of the apology. This is where you get to work together as a team and brainstorm ideas to make things better. This is an opportunity to try something new, check-in in a week or two to see how things went and mix things up. Sometimes there isn't anything you can do, and just a sincere apology is all was needed.

Ex: Casey: "What can I do to make this better, so you don't feel this way anymore?"

Rebecca: "I would appreciate you thinking about what we have already talked about and why it hurts so bad when you say I'm dramatic. Is this something you can do next time?"

Step 4: Will you forgive me?

Why is forgiving our spouse so hard, yet we all know that we have to do something? In this step, you're asking for your spouse to let you off the hook for the pain you caused. Whether the hurt was small or big, you want to make sure your spouse knows that you are apologetic and want their forgiveness on the matter.