Enough is Enough... Why Do Parents Act So Tough?

It has been a long time since I have written a blog post (almost 7 months, to be exact). I had a nasty depressive episode, and honestly, blogging wasn't a priority, and unfortunately, that has been 2022 for me. Thanks to transitioning into a new job (that I absolutely love, BTW), I was able to pull myself out of that episode. Then I unintentionally put Thoughts on Life and Love on the back burner. I am ready to start my teeny, tiny corner of the internet back up and return from my (unintentional) blogging hiatus.

There has been a trend in education that has skyrocketed in the past few years, especially after Covid hit and schools were forced to close down face-to-face instruction. This trend has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. It is bothersome because I am experiencing this trend firsthand for the first time in the 10 years I have been teaching. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the kind of person who accepts defeat. On the contrary, I usually find a way to cope and power through situations that affect me, like this recent trend. It pains me to admit it, but I don't know what to do about it. I think I might have to lie down and accept defeat to save myself from a much bigger fight.

I'm going to be upfront with you; today's topic is controversial in education, so let this serve as a warning that I will be talking about the second most potent trigger word someone can say to a teacher, the first being the "L" word that we dare not speak its name ( does your scalp itch?). The harsh reality is that few people acknowledge this growing trend. Frankly, I would venture as far as saying that most people don't even recognize its existence. This is due to fear of what might happen to them if they speak up. Alright, I have been vague enough, so I think it's time to reveal today's topic. The topic of this post is bullying.

Bullying among students is an epidemic throughout schools, and it must be addressed, but that's not the type of bullying that I am talking about. Unfortunately, we have been conditioned to think of children being bullied when we hear that word. However, did you know that studies have shown that teachers are victims of bullying just as often as the students they strive to protect? But when you become an educator, the weirdest thing happens, it no longer bears its ugly name. Instead, bullying turns into having a 'difficult parent.'

Now I want to stop here and provide a preface: I love my job and my students. My students' parents are some of the kindest and most supportive people I have ever met. I would not change a thing about my job or the experiences I have been through to get me to this point in life, and let me tell you, there have been some experiences (look back at my previous blogs to read all about it).

It is no secret that I am indeed an advocate for all things education. Being a teacher is arguably one of the most meaningful jobs a person can do. After all, teachers are responsible for educating and nurturing children. They give them the tools, knowledge, and skills to tackle many of the problems left for the next generation to solve. I also believe that phrases like "it takes a village to raise a child" came about for a reason. To be successful as an educator, you must embarrass your inter-team player and own the fact that you cannot do the job alone; it takes teamwork.

Like peanut butter and jelly, chocolate and peanut butter, peanut butter and…basically, anything, parents, and teachers make a strong team. It's no mystery that a solid partnership between home and the school generates positive results for students learning. When a child has both teachers' and parents' support, there is an increase in academic achievement, consistent attendance, and better behavior. But, as a teacher, I often wonder why we know a solid partnership between home and school brings positive results. However, it seems like the trend is that more and more parents are out for blood when it comes to their child's teacher.

Like every other job, teaching comes with its downsides. More and more teachers leave the profession every day. Teachers cannot do it anymore. They are enthusiastic about children's education, but there is a more significant and alarming reason teachers are leaving the profession they love. It is more than the long hours, unpaid overtime, ever-increasing workload, and pressure to achieve all of this with shrinking resources.

I will give you a hint.....It is abusive parents.

The whole situation baffles me and has led to a serious amount of time wasted on asking myself why; maybe it's easier to point the finger than to be personally accountable. Perhaps because finding a scapegoat is much less work than self-reflection and implementing change. Whatever the reason, this fall guy approach that has reared its ugly head in education is not an effective means of handling conflict.

Due to the Covid pandemic, there is a rise in hyper-protective parenting. As a result, teachers constantly face overwhelming scrutiny, enormous pressure, and even downright bullying from a handful of their student's parents. When I say a difficult parent, I do not mean parents who advocate for their children. Instead, I am talking about truly difficult parents who, for whatever reason–well, are bullies.

I believe that the problem starts with parents and those outside the classroom door who do not truly understand what teachers do daily. Everyone has been to school; therefore, everyone assumes they are familiar with what takes place there, and it does not seem that difficult. You show up five days a week for eight hours a day, talk for a while, and go home. Never mind getting through to kids, never mind creating lesson plans and grading papers, never mind the difficulties of understanding how your students' minds work, never mind the theory and complex ever-changing practice of pedagogy, and never mind the rising safety concerns that teachers across the country are constantly dealing with. From the outside, it looks like teachers have a cushy gig. Of course, if most parents were to try teaching for a couple of weeks, their perspectives might change—but the chances of that happening are pretty slim.

Deep down in my heart, and I mean DEEP down in my heart, I know those difficult parents started out with good intentions. However, somewhere along their journey in life, they became that parent who is notoriously a handful. They are Rude. Combative. Aggressive. Even litigious, and no matter what you do, it will never be right. Recently, when I was in a situation like this, I discovered quickly that it was extremely challenging for me personally and professionally. This was because I had to cope with the stress and anxiety of having a problematic parent. On a typical day, I have enough to deal with. Butting heads with an angry, spiteful parent – especially one angry just because– is not how I choose to spend my day.

Let's face it; you will have parent relationship challenges yearly as a teacher; that is just part of the gig. However, through my trials and tribulations, I have found that the most effective strategy for successfully getting through the school year with these parents is to be prepared. Usually, at the beginning of the year, they have not revealed the face behind their mask. Therefore, you may not know who they are. However, you need to know they are out there and be prepared because they will be coming.

I have seen teachers SINK because of their relationships with parents. I have struggled with parent communication in the past and present, and I am sure I will struggle with this in the future too (I am human, you know.), but I have recently developed some strategies that I have started to use to prevent problems and reply to hostile parents with grace. So here are my tips and ideas to help you deal with difficult parents.

Disclaimer: These strategies are not 100% foolproof. I implement these strategies daily, yet I am currently dealing with one of the most unpleasant person I have ever met. This is simply what I use, and I adjust each day to fit the needs of my students and parents.

Set professional boundaries.

The most effective thing you can do to deal with difficult parents is to set a professional tone with ALL the parents in your classes. Teachers tend to be overly friendly and outgoing and expect others to be receptive. Setting professional boundaries is a way to protect yourself from disappointment and confusion when a parent reveals themselves to be difficult.

Reach out to the student's previous teachers.

Once you know a particular parent will be challenging, reach out to the student's previous teachers. This is not to gossip or complain but to seek input about effective strategies they have developed (you know, that whole teamwork bit I rambled about earlier.). By the time you get a student, several teachers have probably been through the situation you are heading into. There is no need to reinvent the wheel! Instead, find out what has worked in the past and implemented those strategies.

Manage your emotions.

This one is a challenge for me. I will admit that I am what people call hard-headed, and when thrown into battle, I do not back down easily. It is almost impossible not to lock horns with a difficult parent. Let me tell you, if you have never experienced the joy of being on the receiving end of negative communication from a parent, you are what I like to call one lucky bastard. Nothing compares to the sting you feel when you genuinely try to do what's best for your students and are met with such hostility. But, reacting emotionally to hostile parents prevents you from maintaining the professional relationship needed to navigate difficult parent relationships. Remember, none of this is about you! Because the issues are outside your control, you need to stay in control of your emotions so that anger or sadness does not impact your responses. Stay pleasantly neutral, make the parent feel heard, and don't get emotionally involved with their process. I recommend having an advocate or an administrator read (And edit!) your written responses to ensure that the tone is neutral.

Document. Document. Document.

Parents often become difficult when they assume their child's needs are not being met. To a parent, it can feel like a teacher doesn't care if they don't know what is going on. Starting a simple documentation log can help you gather data about what is transpiring with their child. This allows you to speak knowledgeably with the parent about classroom behavior, academic performance, and executive functioning (organization, homework completion, etc.). This handy log will also serve as documentation if a student OR a parent starts to complain or make allegations about things that didn't happen. This will make you or break you.

SO DO DOCUMENTATION!!!

Involve your administration.

If you have tried the strategies above, and a relationship is still difficult or hostile, involve administration. Make sure you have support at conferences and meetings and ask your administration to help you facilitate a solution to the problem. Often, when emotional parents are met with clear, professional boundaries, they feel more secure and calm down. This has the added benefit of informing your administration of the situation, and they can take more responsibility for communications, which is their job.

Difficult parents are always a challenge. They are a challenge you are liable to face repeatedly. The key to prevention is to be prepared, stay professional, and get support. Maintain your emotional boundaries, and you can relax and enjoy your school year, and hey, you might be able to teach at some point.