Dear Diary… I Mean My Anxiety

Dear anxiety,

Oh hey, there you go again, showing up uninvited.

How are you?

You don’t come around as often as you used to, and I can’t say that’s necessarily a bad thing. But, ever since we met, you’ve been a weight on my shoulders that always held me down, making even the most minor things nearly impossible.

You took some of my most memorable moments and ruined them with your presence. You pushed my happiness aside and made yourself the star of the show. You’ve always been selfish like that. Moments of excitement turn into moments of fear and panic when you and your partner-in-crime depression come around. You two, hand in hand, know how to make me doubt my capabilities and worth. You should both be ashamed of yourselves; you pitted me against myself for what seemed like an eternity, burying any self-confidence in doubt and insecurities that you created.

Every day I wonder why I am the way I am, and it’s because of you. The constant struggles and the living in fear of what happens next come from you. The fear that all the people around me will realize that I’m not the man I let

others believe haunts me. But, what most people don’t understand is that I cannot control you.

Nobody quite understands what it’s like to look at yourself in the mirror and not even recognize the reflection. Sometimes, all I see is a stranger. The only reflection looking back at me is you. The fear, the doubt, and the worry; those feelings stare back at me, begging for peace. They’re praying for the weight to finally be lifted. The want and the need for peace are almost enough for me to find the strength, the strength that has been buried so far within my soul that I had forgotten it was there.

I want you to give me that strength back. No, I want to take it back. You’ve had control of me for far too long. You made me feel hopeless. You made me feel so much pain. I need you to let me live my life at ease. Something has to change, and it will.

The people I love, they notice. The people around me, they see it. Strangers walking past me can feel the distress you cause me. They can see it written all over my face. They can see it in my actions and the way I carry myself. I nee

d to be able to show them that I’m not this

. I need to show myself that you do not control me. You can’t make me live my life in such a disappointing way. You can’t take from me what I know I deserve.

I deserve to be free from these chains you put me in, free from your mindless chatter inside my head, and free from the useless worries you filter into my mind. The constant dwelling that eats away at my soul can no longer exist. I deserve more from this life. I deserve the right to live the way I know I’m capable of. I deserve the right to feel like I’m in control of my life, not you. I’m a strong person. Unfortunately, it feels like I have lived through an endless struggle dealing with you. But maybe, just maybe, that’s precisely what makes me a strong person.

But, there are a few nice things that I want to say to you. Although I hate when you are here, it makes me appreciate it when you’re gone. When you leave, I appreciate the little things that I can’t do when you’re around. It makes me find strength and confidence in myself in a whole new way. I also want to thank you for how you and your buddy depression made me feel; I talk about you a lot. So much that I have helped people through tough times when you two wouldn’t leave them alone either. I have people and a support system who make sure I’m okay when you come to visit on your own time.

Thank you for breaking me down and tearing me apart because it made me build myself up and become a fighter. Maybe overcoming you will be what makes me the strongest I’ve ever been. I am going to conquer you. I will beat you. You do not define me, anxious and depressed mind, and you will not be my story.

XOXO,

The mind and body you don’t have control over anymore.

Check out my letter to my depression

Dear Depression: I Hate Your Stinking Guts!