A Shot in The Arm and A Kick While I’m Down- My Battle with Self-Esteem

Did you know it is Mental Health Awareness Week (well, it was when I started writing this… but let us pretend that I am not four months late).

My mental health has not been my top priority lately. In fact, my mental health can be compared to running a race (the race being life in general) but with a weight belt carrying 100 extra pounds, and im still trudging along regardless.

Sometimes I worry that I should not speak openly about my mental health experiences because "I have not had it the worst." Mental health is not something that should be — or even can be — compared. It affects everyone differently, but talking about it will encourage others to seek help and open up about their feelings.

This is my experience with low-self-esteem, the effects it has had on my life, and how I have managed to overcome it!

What is low self-esteem?

Before I jump in, I thought it would be good to cover what exactly self-esteem is, its effect on our lives, and why it can be a significant trigger for other mental health problems. Self-esteem is the opinion you have of yourself and how you perceive yourself.

If you have a healthy level of self-esteem, you feel positive and confident in yourself. It does not mean you are arrogant or have a big ego — just that you believe in your abilities and can recognize and value your strengths as a person. You're less likely to let people's negative opinions of perceived failures or mistakes in your life set you back. With a healthy level of self-esteem, you're more likely to accept them, shrug them off, and get back on your feet.

On the other hand, if you have low self-esteem, you may often feel that you are not good enough. You focus on your weaknesses but ignore your strengths. You might think that you are flawed somehow — that you are unsuccessful, unattractive, or unlovable — or only inferior to other people. You're more likely to let negative opinions, mistakes, conflicts, and 'failures' consume you and often end up dwelling on them for an exceptionally long time.

Low self-esteem is not a diagnosable mental health problem. Still, it is a risk factor for mental health disorders, predisposing a person to develop a mental health problem later.

Low Self-Esteem & Mental Health: My Experience

I have always been a bit of a worrier. Even as a child and during my early teen years, I endlessly worried about the silliest of things. I felt a little insecure and struggled to come out of my shell in front of new people. But it was not anything severe or necessarily out of the ordinary. In fact, everyone experiences these feelings to a certain extent. I was otherwise happy — I had (and still have) the best family and friends, so I never really had reason to let things get to me.

If I had to pinpoint a time where my mind got a bit frazzled, it would be moving away from home and out of my comfort zone. My 'worrying' got so much worse. Do not get me wrong, I loved my University years — but looking back, they were tainted by anxiety. I was incredibly (insanely) insecure in my relationships, became very paranoid that everyone disliked me, was overly sensitive to criticism and acted defensive about everything, struggled to make decisions, overanalyzed everything anyone said to me developed bad, bad feelings about my appearance.

• I was insecure in my relationships because I thought I was not good enough for them.

• I freaked out about meeting new people and going to social events — because I assumed that people would find me dull and boring because that is what I felt about myself.

• I struggled to make big and small decisions — because I lacked confidence in my own abilities and assumed I would make the wrong one.

I could go on, but you get the gist here. Sure, I had developed anxiety, but it was all triggered by low self-esteem. I was simply convincing myself that I was not good enough or unlovable/undesirable. Still, it was based on nothing — literally zilch — but my own negative thoughts and feelings.

But this was a good thing. It meant that overcoming low self-esteem could, in turn, allow me to wave goodbye to my anxiety. Developing this self-awareness was a meaningful change for me; it gave me the power to establish a real understanding of what was going on in my brain, make changes and slowly challenge my negative thoughts into more positive ones!

Overcoming low self-esteem

I have made considerable progress in terms of overcoming low self-esteem in the past couple of years. I am still not the most confident person in the world, but I feel in a much better place in my head than I was a few years back. I am thrilled with how my life is going, have finally managed to stop my life being ruled by constant worry, and have even started to like myself for who I am as a person. Woah.

Do not get me wrong; I still have my down days (doesn't everyone?). I am trying to say that it is possible to turn your thoughts around and create a more positive mindset and healthy way of thinking. No matter how impossible it may feel for you.

I am not a professional, and the self-esteem tips below have come from my personal experiences alone. Suppose you are struggling with your mental health or feel that your low self-esteem is seriously impacting your wellbeing. In that case, I would recommend seeking professional help rather than listening to me. There is no shame in getting help — it is not weak; it is insanely brave!

With that said, here are my five tips for overcoming low self-esteem, which is all based on what helped me personally.

Research and read around the subject.

Self-help books and online mental health workshops are not a quick fix, an instant cure, or a suitable replacement for actual therapy. But taking the time to read and research around the subject of anxiety and low self-esteem gave me valuable knowledge to put into practice.

My favorite self-help books have helped me identify negative thinking patterns and taught me some beneficial tools and tricks on challenging them. They also made me feel less alone in my thoughts and showed me how normal it is to struggle sometimes.

Most importantly, they helped me become more self-aware of my anxious thoughts and emotions and when/how they were being triggered, which meant I could fix them. They helped me to recognize what was and was not normal about my way of thinking. Becoming aware of your own negative thinking patterns and the effects they have on you (like looking at yourself as an outsider) is key to making positive changes. You cannot change what you are not aware of in the first place!

Here are some of my favorites:

• The Anxiety Solution: A Quieter Mind, a Calmer You by Chloe Brotheridge

• Reasons to Stay Alive & Notes on a Nervous Planet by Matt Haig

• Six Pillars of Self-esteem by Nathaniel Brandan

• How to Be Mindful by Anna Barnes

• Happy by Fearne Cotton

• The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy

Please remember that while I recommend self-help books, they are not a replacement for therapy if you are really struggling to overcome low self-esteem — please book that doctor's appointment!

Get out of your comfort zone.

One of the worst things about anxiety and low self-esteem is that they can make you want to hide away and avoid all the exciting (if scary) stuff you want to do with your life. It is easy to lean back and stay in that comfortable bubble — your comfort zone — and I see many people doing this as a coping mechanism.

But the truth is, regularly doing things that scare you and forcing yourself out of that comfort zone can do wonders for your mental health. Every time you do something you deem uncertain, scary, or unfamiliar, you teach yourself (and your anxiety) that you can cope. It is safe and can manage it. This gives you a confidence boost in a way that nothing else can. Experts call this 'exposure therapy,' and it is one of the best ways to build self-esteem.

For example, before I moved to Alpine for college, my brain was seriously testing me — my thoughts were 'don't go, you've never been away from your family for this long,' 'you can't be successful as a student, you're not clever enough' and 'something will go wrong.' The week or two before I went were a blur of tears and anxiety, but I forced myself to follow through — and I am so glad I did! That experience made me feel so much more confident and resilient in myself. As much as I love my family and my comfort bubble at home, I now know I am competent alone and outside of that comfort zone.

It does not have to be significant changes like that, either. Start small and work your way up. Are you nervous about social situations and regularly turn down invites because of it? Set yourself a challenge of saying yes — and attending — at least every other invitation you receive. Do you fear leaving the house without makeup because of acne? Start popping to the shop without it, then go for a walk without it, then see one of your close friends. You will be surprised at how quickly your nerves fade away once you push yourself and start doing something regularly.

Quit worrying about what other people think

Once you stop living your life based on what other people think of you, the world becomes a much more comfortable place to be. Living your life based on other people's thoughts, perspectives, and opinions makes you a prisoner. But people with low self-esteem tend to fall into this trap quite quickly because they believe other people's opinions carry more weight than their own — but it is time to snap out of it!

Do not get me wrong, it is human nature — and normal — to want to be liked and accepted by those around you. It is when it becomes excessive that it can have a negative effect on your lifestyle and self-esteem. You need to be making decisions and choices based on what is best for you and your life, not based on what other people will think of you for doing them.

I have rewritten this section a million times as I cannot quite get the message right. So, here are some quotes from my favorite Anxiety book by Chloe Brotheridge— she gets it to spot on:

"If you constantly worry about what other people think of you, you're setting yourself up for misery. It is none of your business what others think about you. Their opinions are just that: an opinion, and besides, they always speak more about themselves than they do about you. Most of us believe our opinions (and those of other people) are in some way true. We think the way we see the world is like a video camera, taking in everything and perceiving it as it really is. But we are more like projectors, beaming out our thoughts, beliefs, and experiences on to the world and, in the process, creating what we see. When another person sees you, they are not seeing the real you. They are seeing all their own beliefs, experiences, and emotions — and projecting them on to you. And you cannot control any of that!

This does not mean you should never take on board any feedback from other people. It just means that you should avoid taking that heavy responsibility for what other people think of you. There is a lot of relief to be gained from admitting it is okay not to be liked by everyone. Trying to mold yourself or suppressing your true inner self to please others is hugely stressful and a sure-fire way to stay anxious".

Start accepting and loving yourself for who you are right now.

I get it — loving yourself for who you are, as you are, can be a really f****ng hard part of overcoming low self-esteem. For so long, I was stuck in the trap of continually feeling like I needed to be better — or do better — accept myself and my reality. I told myself that when I cleared my skin, became more toned, became a 'louder, funnier, more popular' person, etc., I would be good enough and would genuinely love myself.

But seeking this level of perfectionism is unhealthy. Self-acceptance should not be about trying to change yourself or hide your 'flaws' and 'imperfections.' It is about being honest about who you genuinely are and accepting it— strengths, weaknesses, and everything in between. It is:

• Knowing your talents, capabilities, and worth

• Knowing your 'weaknesses' and either accepting them or aiming for realistic personal growth

• Feeling happy with yourself, despite 'flaws' and regardless of past choices

I will use myself as a quick example. During my journey of overcoming low self-esteem, I have tried to focus more on my strengths; I know that I am loyal, creative, intuitive, compassionate, and empathetic, an open-minded, flexible, and free-spirited person, and, more recently, super driven. That is not me being egotistical — it is being proud of who I am and knowing how to play to my strengths.

At the same time, I will not deny my weaknesses, and I can fully accept them. I can be awkward, quiet and find it difficult to open up in front of new people — this is something that has better as I have become more confident. It is a waste of my time forcing myself to be an extrovert when I am just not. And I know I often come across as a little idealistic, impractical, and 'wishy-washy,' focusing on the bigger picture rather than the small details and logic. That is something I am getting better at and more aware of as I get older. Still, it is just a part of my personality — so there is no point beating myself up about it.

The fact is, you are who you are, and that is fine. Sure, some things can be improved with time, but everyone has their own quirks, flaws, and their own natural strengths and weaknesses (yes, everyone). You do not need to be perfect in every way, be good at absolutely everything, meet society's crazy beauty standards, be stereotypically popular, or be liked by everyone you meet to feel worthy.

You are fine as you are. Pinpoint your strengths and accept who you are — striving for personal growth is cool, but do not waste time trying to change things that are a core part of you.

Do not judge your worth by followers, money, job titles, and material things.

When I had bad bouts of low self-esteem, I focused too much on material possessions and wealth. When I get a better job and more money, I will be so proud of myself. When I buy a better car, I will be so happy. When we buy a bigger house, I will be content. When I get 5,000 followers on my blog, it will all be worth it. And I bet you have felt the same!

I will start this one off by saying that followers, money, and fancy job titles might bring you a confidence boost (and you should be proud of these types of achievements). Still, they are unlikely to fix the root cause of low self-esteem. Having high self-esteem is about liking yourself no matter your financial, follower count, or career status — it is having resilience and valuing your worth as a person regardless, even if this all came crumbling down.

At the end of the day, your unique personality, kindness, and how you treat people sit quietly above material worth, status, and popularity — and it always will. It is what your friends and family like you for, and it is something you can value yourself for right here, right now, and no matter what your bank balance.

On the flip side, it is essential to add that I do not think ambition is bad. It is healthy. In fact, I would consider myself ambitious. Like many people, I strive to work my way up the ladder in my profession, grow my blog, be financially stable, and, in general, continue to grow both personally and professionally.

The key difference is that I have learned that life is a journey, and I need to accept myself, my life, and my reality at all stages of that journey. That is what is key to building long-lasting self-esteem. Otherwise, I will waste my life away trying to meet a certain 'standard' or 'level' in all aspects of my life to feel valid and happy in myself — which, realistically, is not a magic bullet to happiness anyway. So be ambitious but try to live in the moment and accept and enjoy your life (and yourself) for how it is in this moment, right now, and beyond!

Overcoming low self-esteem: Concluding thoughts

If anyone has gotten through to the end of this article, please comment here — I really, really appreciate the support!

Anyway, I hope my story of overcoming anxiety and low self-esteem was relatable for someone out there (sometimes, I feel like merely knowing you are not the only one feeling a certain way can help so much) and that you can take something actionable away from my tips.

I want to end this article on a note about the importance of reaching out, speaking about your feelings, and seeking help if you need it. Struggling with your mental health is not a weakness nor something you should be ashamed of. Please, please, please speak to your family and friends about how you feel, no matter how big or small the issue is — and if that feels too much right now, feel free to send me a message.

No matter how down on yourself you are currently feeling, I promise things can get better. Love to you all!